Joe Lavin's Journal of Random Thoughts, Memories and Such....

I am planning to have this updated often while I am away. If you have  story or memory that you think I would like to include here, please send me an email at NNNNNNNNNNNN. I will have a friend send me a copy of the email and figure out how to get it added here. You should always refresh your browser if you are returning to this page in order to see any changes. Dates are YearMonthDay 20000101

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 | 1991 | 1992 | 1993 | 1994 | 1995 | 1996 | 1997 | 1998 | 1999 | 2000
 | 2001 | 2002 | 2003 | 2004 | 2005 | 2006 | 2007 | 2008 | 2009 | 2010

1970

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I am feeling very happy with my life right now.  I don't understand why certain things have happened and continue to happen. I have tried to forge a good life for my family. I honestly believed in love, loyalty, honesty, hard work....

anyway, here I am.  I am not do any real directions for this journal, this collection of thoughts, but I imagine that will come with time.  It seems like time will either become a close and treasured friend or a vilel and despised enemy.

In his time, In his time. He makes all things beautiful in his time!

My only tangible prayer, hope, whish and desire is that my beautiful little girls to not get corrupted by the ugliness and Lisa and I. .............................................. I need to be free so that I can concentrate on my daughters. They need a dad and I cannot be a good dad when I allow someone else to drain me emotionally.

I have to constantly remember that Breanna, Janelle and Sarah on my free top priorities next to God! I can not let them down. I cannot rest, there is far too much at stake.

Lord, please give me the strength, wisdom, courage and love to raise these beautiful little girls to be wonderful women of God! patience, Lord, please give me patience, so that they might someday see in me just a little of what I see in you.

1994

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Lots going on right now. I am working at Bent Severin and Associates.  I am still trying to work through the divorce and praying that my daughters will come and live with me.  Life is sure a challenge!  I am working in the car right now though and this is seriously fun!

See you later!

I am on the ferry going to Seattle for work.  Tonight the girls are coming over for the whole weekend YEAH!!  I think Linda's going to the ocean and jessica  is going somewhere also, so it will be a nice time for just the girls and I.

11:25PM   Well it has been a long day. Breanna brought her friend, Austin, with us to the YMCA and Jessica brought Stephanie. All in all the girls got along pretty well.  We went swimming and then we soak in the hot tub, played basketball, went to the park, went to Dairy Queen and then we paged Austin's mother to see if she could spend the night.  We have all six girls here now... I'm exhausted but overjoyed! goodnight.

on Sunday, we slept in late.  We went to the soccer game and Mike was not there so I coached - it was great! Jessica let Breanna where her uniform for the second half and Breanna played great. It was like she never quit.  Amanda and her were a great pair of forwards.

Good evening. I'm on the 5:10 p.m. boat going home now.  Same group going back.  Still having a blast!!! Christen is on a roll. She is a riot, but I think she might actually be the death of me at some point. she stole my pencil, it is a very special pencil.  I have got to figure our way to get it back :-)!! I love life and all of the wonderfully complicated, diverse and refreshing people that God seems to scatter it with.

I'm at Bobby's daughter.  Neat little girl, very rambunctious, but very sweet.

Court stuff tomorrow.  Asking that Pat Cable be appointed as the Guardian ad litem for the girls.  The never ending battle goes on.  I am really struggling with this whole thing.  I really want to do the best thing for the girls.

I had so much that I wanted to get done while Ray was in Kuwait. Now I'm just happy that we survived.  Ray sounds really positive about the Kuwait Palace contract. I hope and pray......

I just found out that Carmen is have a surprise birthday party along with Jess tomorrow night at the community center, should be fun.  Also I am looking forward to seeing my grandparents tomorrow! the bus is almost at a stop, maybe I will see you on the ferry. TTFN

I am really happy that Lynne and I are finally realizing that we are coming to an end. we have both been putting off the inevitable for a very long time.  I do not like it when I know that I should do something and I don't, it tends to wear on me pretty heavy.

The girls lost their soccer game on Sunday pretty big.  Lisa and Chuck showed up so that Breanna could play - gotta take the bad with the good.

The Kuwait project is looking pretty good, I do not like all the lowballing business, however it does seem like the only way to get it done.

I was telling Ray how funny it was, here is the semis day in the last six months, the last game of the playoff series for the Sonics....and here we all are...working. C'est la vie!

I went to dinner into a movie at the Harvard exit with mom.  The movie was pretty bad, Being Human with Robin Williams. it was one of those movies that just sort of goes on and on and on and on and on.... thankfully there were a few funny parts.

Lynne keeps saying that she really wants us to work out. a lot of talk but not much meaningful action. I had a pretty realistic talk with her And let her know that I thought she was throwing our relationship away. I have got to believe that she is either trying to sabotage us or that she has got some seriously messed abuse about relationships. I've been talking to her about priorities...

oh boy, here we go again! priorities, goals, healthy relationships. Compromise is the only thing that will make my life fall short. I know what it takes, what I want.  Be true to me and to others by doing so.

Take time to evaluate the situations you are in.  Be in control - cannot be controlled by the situation. Do not give in to compromise. 

One last thought before the ferry docks...

I really am starting to feel the reality of being a part-time dad. I do not like it at all (tremendous understatement).

Tomorrow is Sarah's birthday.  Five years old.  I still get amazed even after Breanna and Janelle have already passed these "milestones". each time it feels like a new event full of wonder and joy.  I guess the main difference is that the fears of the unknown are not as prevalent.

each of these girls has such a special persona. Even though they all go through much of the same steps, the each walk so uniquely. It really is a totally new experience.

I sure do miss the three of them. I feel like I would be totally complete if they were here with me. I also feel that they would be able to be more fulfilled in an environment where they are able to truly be loved and to grow...

speaking of complete - I am sure not feeling that way.  I'm starting to feel very lonely again.  I am in need of a companion and I'm having a hard time letting God be my companion until He has prepared me well enough to bring me my true companion. I need to focus on God. On his will in my life.  On his love for me. Prayer!!!!!

it is so easy to get mixed up in this world and its cheap thrills and false securities.  So familiar it is to me. I wish it were unfamiliar, even shocking, to me.

I'm going to make some changes and I hope to enroll in massage school pretty soon. I think that I will really enjoy the work and that I will be able to use it to glorify God and find purpose in my vocation.

Last thing: I'm watching some Native American movies with Kerry, Chiki and Kevin. I am sickened by the prejudice and hatred that is displayed in the movies, the prejudice and hatred existed then, the prejudice and hatred that exists now.  I feel so helpless when I cannot do anything to change these kind of situations.

I want to savor every moment that we are together between now and then. I earnestly hope that I do not squander any of these moments away.

  Trouble at work.  I have not been paid in the last two pay periods. Rent is due and I am pinched. I feel so obligated to BSA but at some point I will have to look beyond these loyalties. I hope and pray that this company will survive and flourish.

Short journaling these days.....

BSA is still limping along, living on hope. Kuwait looks promising but Saddam is at the border again and that is making our negotiations with the palace very difficult. There is also a proposed large deal with the Westin sale that is pending. Hmmm, I think I am growing to hate the word pending....

The "boys" are back from Alaska, well, at least two of them are. Chiki is still up there somewhere, stuck on a boat, think his buddies are close by. I feel so bad for him after hearing how hard it really is up there.

I have two new roommates, EJ and Wendy. I really like Wendy! we have been enjoying some really great times together and it feels like we might be spending even more time together in the future. We had a "very safe" talk this morning, I think that we are both trying to figure out the other person before we tell each other how we really feel.

Wendy is a very beautiful woman. She is full of life and has an exceptionally warm personality. She is probably one of the most physically fit women I have ever met in my life. She is also a toucher, which I love! she seems very generous and extremely easy-going.

It seems our question is this: should we chance something more than a pretty sure friendship? How would our friendship be defined? it would be a tragedy to ruin a chance at making such a wonderful friend by forcing something else....

However, wouldn't it be great to be in love with someone who could also really be your best friend? 

good morning!  This'll be a short entry, I just wanted to say that I had a wonderful weekend. I went to theater sports on Friday night with Wendy, Wil (Wendy's dad), Linda (Wil's girlfriend), EJ, Kevin and Carrie.   We had a blast.

When he came home with us.  Gwen  and I went to the  I think there is at least a couple of food groups in their). I bought four flowers ( that was all that were left) for Wendy. I felt sort of silly, so I gave one to everyone. I think that we're just about past the silly awkward moments now....

I went to the Olympic Peninsula with Wendy, Wil and Linda. we had a lot of fun and took in a lot of beauty. I feel deeper and deeper and deeper into Wendy. Truly amazing.....

there is so much more to write, but for now suffice it to say, rich, wonderful, magnificent, beautiful, inviting, intriguing, refreshing.....     

I keep falling deeper into this wonderful woman and I find myself sort of amazed.  Amazed by so many things.  Her refreshing honesty and willingness to share.

Her touch.  Her warm, caring, intimate touch!

A heart so big that I feel like I could just fall into it. Her smile. Her attitude and zeal for life.  Her!

A heart so big that I feel like I could just fall into it! I guess that is what it really comes down to. Wendy is amazing.  She seems to possess every quality, every nuance...

I am so intrigued ( for lack of a better word, or maybe for lack of a more honest expression) with her. I just want to get to know her better.  I want to understand her more. Her feelings and desires.  Where she is going where she has been.

She loves her dad.  you can see it when she looks at him.  He seems to be a pretty special person as well. Some peoiple are just special. Somehow they turned out to be extraordinary, different. You know when you meet them - you may not know exactly what or why - but you know.

Wendy is special. i feel blessed to know her, to have this tie with her. She makes me happy.

I feel peace.

i know beauty.

I understand hope.

Wow, what a great woman!!!!

I am truly having one of the most wonderful times of my life right now.

Wendy and I spent the weekend on Whidbey Island as the Home By The Sea bed and breakfast. Absolutely beautiful. Perfect surroundings, perfect company, perfecy hope for a wonderful future. The B&B was so tranquil and inspiring. One night is simply not enough, I look forward to returning for a longer stay.

1995

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1996

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199660304

Thank you God.  My prayer and question was answered in Scripture. PRAYER! Mark 9:1-29.  God again has shown his faithfulness. Sin

Business is hard.  Not sure who to trust.  I want to make good decisions, sound and wise. I might be able see the girl soon!!!!!

Distractions from the important.  Wedding!

Must practice humility….. finances for wedding…. My daughters happiness! I hope to see them soon.

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Misplaced Priorities
I counted dollars while God counted crosses.
I counted gains while he counted losses.
I counted my worth by my things gained and stored,
while he sized me up by the scars that I bore.
I counted honors and sought degrees,
while he counted the hours that I spent on my knees.
I never knew until one day by the grave,
how vain are things that we spend life to save.

Alone on the stage for the fist time,

I can’t find the comforting faces,

I know that they are there,

They must be there….

How can this be happening?

This is my stage,

My territory,

My world…

This is where I do things my way,

And get away with it.

Somehow I always pull it off,

But tonight I just can’t.

Competent counsel,

My partner, that is.

I wonder if she feels alone?

She should.

No beginning,

No end.

The night just meanders along.

What did I miss…

That is the thought in my head.

Where is my incompetence?

Was I too confident,

Too assuming?

I don’t know…

I do know that I am very uncomfortable,

My legs hurt,

My mind hurts,

And my heart hurts…

All that said,

All that felt,

I will learn from this,

I will grow as I work through this,

Alone…

Joe

August 1999

First Community One Meeting in Idaho

Well, God it looks as if it is my turn to respond to what you have shown me. I am so afraid of this process. So afraid that I will only be able to go so far into your truths and then not be able to finish.

Afraid because I know so much more about myself than I know about you. I know my appetite for sin. I know my selfish desires. And most of all I know that I do not have the power, on my own, to live a life that is completely abandoned for your sake.

Can you give me the power? Is that spiritual welfare? Is the whole gospel spiritual welfare. Something for nothing…in this case everything for nothing? I guess that salvation would be the specific component in question, seeing how we will be rewarded for our works done for you.

That also brings up another question that I have, or at least a thought that I have developed. It seems that salvation and forgiveness are complete. That there is no further punishment than our anguish in knowing that our sins were the reason for your death. There is no memory or accounting.

However it looks like there is a very accurate accounting of our deeds, our fruits produced in your name and in your power. All grace and all rewards. No record of offenses, failures and shortcomings.

Do you do that? Do you grant every believer equal standing in righteousness, no matter how filthy we are and then allow us to present our response, our works so they can be judged as eternal vs. temporal. Refined gold or wood hay and stubble.

I do not know these answers God, but I will seek them out. I will endeavor to find you, your love and your will. I pray that you will empower me to respond correctly once I do.

MANHOOD
Without God to define and then measure my manhood, what would my manhood be? Would I choose it for myself and then seek the population that would validate my self made or even just self accepted description?

Would I be proud of my manhood, or would I have to hide parts of it from the people whose self-made descriptions were opposed to mine? Would I be hiding it out of embarrassment or to avoid conflict.

Maybe I would be hiding from people who were not mature enough to understand my manhood, my children for instance. But, if I could not share my manhood with my children…what good would it be?

In fact, if I have to hide any part of my manhood…how can any of it be good? What truth can there be in any of it. After all, shouldn’t someone's definition of manhood at least be true?

CONTRAST OF ADD AND LIVING HOLY
I learned that with ADD my attempts to overcome the barriers that ADD presents by sheer commitment, determination and “rugged individualism” would completely hopeless and that this was a major source of frustration and disappointment for me. 

Without medication my mind will not function in the manner that many other people’s minds will function naturally. In short, I am unable to overcome ADD by my own power – I need my medication if I want my mind to function differently.

In the same way I am unable to live a righteous and holy life without Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit working through me.

SEXUAL FIDELITY
If I were to apply with a “Sexual Fidelity Insurance Agent” what would my premiums be? If I had to be completely honest with them about my past in this area, would SFIA find me a good risk?

What kind of threat or risk do I pose to my wife? To my church?

As a Christian I need to learn how to please God with my sexuality. One of the ways that I can do this is by understanding my emotional stability. What are the emotional states that put me the most at risk for committing a sexual sin. [DEFINE: Sexual Sin]

These states can cause me to want to engage in risky behavior. Behavior like a phone call, net surf, get together etc.. I will also be much more easily distracted.

I can use the 12 step model of HALT that AA uses;

            Hungry –        

Angry – When I am angry, when life has “done me wrong”. When I am angry with God, my wife, other people or myself (circumstances) I become vulnerable to seeking to soothe or justify my anger with risky behavior.

            Lonely – Remember that you can be lonely in a relationship, marriage or crowd.

            Tired – Things may be well, but stressful. I can be very successful or busy and still get tired.

There are also risks in success (celebration), boredom…

I need to think back in my life to the times where I allowed something to get ahold of me. I need to become aware of the patterns and my emotional states.

            Work Companion

            Old Flame, sure thing

            Pornography

            Book store

Nothing is more powerful than sex for a man. Nothing has the pull or influence that sex has on us. Look at the barrage of sex used to sell to us. Therefore I should never make provisions for my flesh. Just like an alcoholic should not walk dopwn the liquor aisle or go to a bar, a man set apart for God’s purposes should never stray down the wrong aisle of a bookstore, should never visit the site, answer the email, go to the neighborhood, make the phone call, read Cosmopolitan.

I need to actually go out of my way to protect my flesh. If someone is flirting with me I need to discourage it. I need to avoid the “harmless” lunches etc.

One of the issues that is integral to the misuse of our sexuality, to the looking towards pornography to meet our emotional needs is objectification. This is where we relate people to mere objects.

We usually start this process at a young age when the people that we are looking to for love, affection and care let us down.

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January 1, 2000   2:16 PM

Wow! I mean Wow!!!!

I just got off the phone with you and you said I love you for the first time in about five years. I have got to tell you that I am so happy right now that I....I can't even write!

Uninspired
I am so thoroughly uninspired with the efforts expended by others that would offer me utterly useless advice about how to become more like their themselves, or at least less like myself, in an attempt to become more comfortable with the distance between us. Why can they not just accept these differences and embrace them as part of the wonder of God and creation.

Surely Sir Isaac Newton, Harriet Tubman, Richard Branson and Barbra Streisand would definitely have incredible differences and even thoroughly misunderstand each others choices and direction in life. They might not even enjoy the company if one another, although somehow I believe that there would be a kindred spirit between them. What I have to hope and believe is that even though they might find the void of commonness between them uncomfortable, they would still somehow find a way to truly appreciate one another’s gifts, dreams and desires.

And not in a selfish way, the way that I feel many people “appreciate” my gifts, dreams and desires. Not in a way to try and receive personal benefit or validation from them or the lack of them. Rather, I hope that they…that I…that you would learn to appreciate and accept that these peculiarities, these unique gifts and unexplainable (to most) paths that we must travel our nothing more than ourselves.

The people that we have become or, hopefully, are on our way to being.

Re-Inspired
Well I must, very happily, say that I am totally re-inspired! I am sitting here at my computer looking to the window at six very happy children who have decided to sleep on the deck. It is about 1:00 AM and there's no sign of sleep in sight.

I have to say that today started off in much worse fashion! I called Lisa to see how the van was doing and to check on the girls. I found out that Jeremy, the eighteen year old boy that Janelle (who is now thirteen) met at summer camp was spending the night at her house. I was obviously pretty upset about this.

Lisa had talked about this before and I told her that I thought it was pretty inappropriate, she tried to console me with the story that he was coming up with some friends and they were going to Camp in Lisa's front yard for a night or two. However, after some discussion I learned that Jeremy came alone and would not be sleeping outside due to that fact that it wouldn't be safe.

So I was quick to jump on the idea that all of the kids come to my house for a couple of days, including Jeremy, and so they did.  I picked them up at the ferry and a brought them back to the house. We went for a boat ride, jumped on the Camp Sambica Trampoline (and almost got caught ;-). Then we came home for grilled cheese sandwiches and celery sticks.

Kim, Janelle’s friend that came with them, took me aside and had a talk with me about Jeremy. She is a really sweet girl that probably knows more than she should about life at her age. She told me how Janelle was feeling about the whole situation and about how Janelle was hoping that I would not embarrass her when I talk to Jeremy about the obvious problem.

I told her to tell Janelle that I would be tactful, but also direct. I will have that talk in the morning.

I continue to be amazed at the focus, clarity, confidence and pure love that my children inspire within me. As much as I do to help them become honest and healthy young women, I can’t help but feel that somehow they are doing everything possible to help me become the man of character and integrity that I so hope to become.

Still no sign of sleep, except from within J - I have a big day tomorrow balancing the kids and some work obligations, so I am hoping for sleep soon…

Goodnight!

Portland Safari!
Wow!

I absolutely love life and my children! What a fun couple of days we had.

After a night of boating and unauthorized trampoline use, a pretty fun day of boating and hanging out we journeyed down to Portland in Liz Sroufe’s Suburban.

Janelle, Sarah, Kim, Kendra and of course Jeremy.

I had to give three seminars and hang out with clients but managed to get some great time in with the kids as well! We went ice skating and stopped at Hood Canal after trying our luck at midnight salamander hunting and make shift camping.

Had a great teaching/learning moment in the hot tub when a husband and wife who obviously had a stroke showed us what true love looked like!

Breanna bought a car that turned out to be a lemon. She loved it anyway, but I told her that it was in her best interest to make them take the car back and return the full purchase price. She was not excited about this at all :-). It got even more fun when they refused and I wanted Breanna to be there for the final conversations, etc. You gotta love (or hate) those teaching moments. Here is one of the letters to the dealership. 

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In writing I will find myself, in the place that I am willing to be found. That is to say that when I am writing for myself, safe from the pressures of future scrutiny, I can express outwardly what I am trying to discover inside.

There are so many things to write about it is almost hard to find a place to start…but I guess there are so many…

Oops, I think I started to write for you again, I have got to stop that. I want to write for me, actually I need to writer for me. Writing can literally be like breathing – in and out. Like when God breathed life in to Adam, God wrote/breathed life into adam and now this Adam must live and breathe and write to discover and become who I really am.

This writing, if it truly can meet its potential, has ironic beginnings – April 27, 2001 Finding Forrester. The freewriting scene…

I think this woill be a good format for me – I have never really done this v=before. Most of the time I put  an enormous amount of mental energy into the words that I lay down. Now I just want to find out what really is inside of me.

I am looking forward to the turning of these pages and to the passing of these days until I can finally meet myself and my God in the new creation. I am really looking forward to meeting my daughters in that creation as well, for as wonderful as they are now – they will be happy there.

It is a wonder to me that I can be satisfied in that knowledge instead of frantically working towards results now. I can’t ./././././

Lessons: Life’s gifts

As painful as they are, they become the balm that

Ok – so this “freewriting” is not super easy..

Here is a thought to consider. My Brain…..my wonderful, wild and unyielding brain. Could it be that God wants me to do something with it but He also wants me to remain (or someday become;-) reliant on Him?  It seems that many times the situations that push me to God are those ones that leave me completely overwhelmed and helpless. The times when the neurons are firing so fast that they just clog all of the possible receptors with strange and varied bits of information and impulses.

It would make sense with all that I am reading and pondering during these “Manning Days”.

PS – BREANNA, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!! I HOPE THAT YOU CAN SENSE THAT AND THAT YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE TO ME. Selfishly I wish that you would let me know that you do…maybe someday.

PLEASE GOD< PLEASE!!!!! Bless my daughters with your love, your Son and your Holy Spirit!!

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Swamped today! Trying to do way too much to overcome the Midland fiasco, I am right on the edge of succeeding and it has come down to really only being able to pray and have faith in the outcome. I think this is where God likes me to be (all the time!) and unfortunately I don’t always want to be here. So even when I am here it seems more extraordinary than it should and it is not as familiar as it should be…..hence I am not near as comfortable as I should be,  but here I am!

God has richly blessed me with:

My family! Healthy, happy, strong and growing (Bre is pregnant) in numbers.  I would like to see all of my family growing spiritually and need to do more to further this.

My/Our Friends. Plentiful and supportive. Mostly healthy relationships and some very dear faithful friends.

Abilities and stuff. Over blessed here and still trying to learn (accept?) how to best manage these blessings.

My Poem
My poem is not the writing on this page, rather it is the days of my life. The summation of my life will be the poem that I leave for the future generations. Every day is a page, every action is another line and every breath is a comma in my song. Every action that I forego is a line lost. What will the poem be? Will it last for generations or be lost with passing of my closest relations. Why should I care, I am gone, can vanity truly survive after death?

Okay, so I’m lousy at keeping a regular journal!!!

Breanna had a beautiful baby boy (Aidan) last month and Janelle is moving to Los Angeles next week. Wow, time really does fly.

We had a going away party for Janelle the other night.

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Our Lavin Family Update/Christmas Card for 2005

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Okay so maybe I learned that I do not need to or even want to suffer for Christ. I definitely realized that I can't suffer like Christ, I don't feel I have the stamina for it. Rather, I need to empathize with the lost, lonely and hurting.  I think I feel guilty because I can see so many people in pain, so many people that are lost who have beautiful hearts but for some reason can't sense how much Christ loves them.  I see people attacking my faith, my daughter's only hope, the world's only hope...  I get so angry, so self-righteous and up in arms... but I do not do anything significant to effect change and I don't really try to find any love for these people.

You can click here to watch the video. The message/poem/story is both beautiful and terrifying and I am truly overwhelmed each time I listen to it. I am not completely sure why I am taking the time to record all of this, somehow it seems very important though. Joe Lavin, July 10, 2006

Unfinished Thoughts - Untenable
I find myself in an untenable position that is in one sense completely maddening, and in another sense inspires hope to my beleaguered soul.

On one hand I'm completely sure that I am not living out my faith in a way that is satisfying, complete or worthy of replication.  I carry around with me an internal sense of the suffering, loneliness and lament of people near and far; but I am remiss to do anything practical about it.  I am sure that out of all things I could do to demonstrate even a portion of how much God loves and cares for people, that being engaged in a consistent act of service is the best thing that I could do.  And yet, I do nothing.

I am creative and resourceful..

I'm at the point where I need to radically embrace or utterly give up my business and entrepreneurial aspirations. I say this for a myriad of reasons that are far too complex to put down in writing at this point.  However,.....

I am 40 years old, I have had an overall successful business and professional life, yet it has never left me fulfilled or satisfied. With every new accomplishment and realized goal comes another alluring goal that I am sure will satisfy me or at least empower me to pursue the things that I profess I am most interested in; the things that I believe could actually satisfy me (if not in their accomplishment, at least in the fact that I would know I am doing what I am called to do).

About 18 months ago I was within a week of closing the most successful business transaction that I've ever been engaged in.  At the closing of this transaction I would have received approximately $16 million (pre-tax, etc.) and theoretically been set for life.

Several years ago I used to think that if I could just put together a nest egg of $5 million or so, I could literally change the world (or lease a small portion of it). However, I was already making plans to capitalize on the relationships and funding facilities that I had developed to close this transaction and looking to acquire a $70 million hotel in addition to some other projects.

This leads me to believe, that I will probably....

Went to Brennan Manning Retreat this weekend at The Firs in Bellingham.

Here are some of my thoughts from Brennan’s retreat…

Prayer – Abba, I belong to you…..

If an orthodox Jew was caught using the name of God he could be stoned to death.

“God gives himself to you completely only in solitude and silence”

Brennan’s favorite Bible verse is Luke 15:20

“The poverty of our English vocabulary”

One thing….Jesus IS Compassion

Jesus called you here by name, to be a professional lover of God and his people.

What can I find gods’ silence, that I cannot find in his Word? There must be something because his word is so foreign to me right now and his silence is so seductively captivating. Despite the ambiguity…..

Our Lavin Family Update/Christmas Card for 2006

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Loren killed himself

Idaho Statesmen Guestbook Entry for LB
Loren has a giant and special place in the hearts of my entire family. My daughters all loved Loren and thought of him as their uncle. My wife adored Loren and enjoyed all of the time he spent with us. I loved Loren immensely and considered him to be a very important part of my family.

Anybody who spent any time with Loren thought he was a great guy and was always happy to cross his path again.

Loren spent New Year's Eve with my family and our friends, some of whom had not yet met Loren. The next week my guy friends came up and said how much they enjoyed hanging out with Loren and most of their wives seem to be amazed that this charming and engaging man was somehow still single.

I so wish that he was here today so that we could all love on him some more and I will always cherish the times that he graced my family and I with his time and his friendship.

Rest well my brother; I know I will see you in heaven because of our many conversations about God. I know I will get to hug you again (right after I kick your butt for leaving all of us) and I know you were in more pain than I can understand and I am so deeply sorry that you were!

I love you,

Joe

Home and Wildflower offices raided by FBI

Depression

Starting to feel depressed, beyond just being overwhelmed.  Tired, groggy and lacking motivation it is hard to feel the experience of rejoicing in the trials with my Lord.  I know for the most part that I am, I just wish the feelings are more in line with my idea of rejoicing….

Maybe therein lies many of my problems! My ideas of……. My wisdom being foolishness. (1 Corinthians 3:19)

What do I need to do, achieve, etc. in order to be content, joyful and on purpose?  When should I do it?  How?

Instead of need to do, should I be asking myself what I need to give up, stop striving for, etc. in order to be content?

Better yet, he is my life satisfying my soul? ( think hard before answering)

Is my soul satisfied?

********

What am I sad about?

I want to be sad about my sin and about the lost à But it seems like I’m always too busy, too overwhelmed or distracted.  I feel helpless over some smaller or habitual sin patterns and I give up on killing the sins I know I can and should kill.

Becoming one

   Two become one

      Church becomes one….

The spirit indwells in us, did the Godhead become one? Is the Trinity a model as much as anything else?

From: Joe Lavin [mailto:joe@calicodog.com]
Sent: Friday, May 18, 2007 5:05 PM
To: Friends
Subject: Thank You Very Much

Hello Friends,

I just wanted to send you all a quick email and thank you for your generous help with our plane tickets back to the east coast.

Life sure has gotten too be somewhat difficult for us and I am not sure that I can even convey to you how much we needed this to get through the weekend. Our need and your generosity has brought me to tears (and beyond) several times which is actually pretty hard to admit for me. But I wanted to make sure that you knew how much of a blessing this is to us.

Thank you again,

Joe

PS – I sat by a Christian on each leg of the flight and two of them were amazingly interesting and will probably be people that I remain in contact with for some time. Here is the reader’s digest version:

The first was a 60 year old pastor from New York (Joe) that I am convinced could kill me without working up much of a sweat. He has fought with all of my heroes, knows my contemporaries, has a son that fights in UFC, trains S.E.A.L. teams and police departments and has a martial arts ministry.  He is friends with Mark Driscoll and John Piper and has several doctorates in the Bible and has a similar theology.

The second was the wife of Jack, a guy who was affiliated with the Mafia and then joined up with the Arian Nations after one of its leaders killed his brother. He joined to find the guy and kill him. The guy went to prison so Jack was going to kill him when he got out. A week before the guy was released from prison Jack was saved and he wrote a letter to the Arian nations leader in jail who accepted Jesus prior to being killed by someone else. The live in Puyallup.   

PSS – Here is a link to a little video that I put together for Charlie’s service if you want to see it.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-6195889364979922823

Oh, I get it….. I just have to die to myself.

Literally

Physically

Emotionally

Spiritually

Joyfully

Sacrificially

Peacefully!

             Totally (Looking at this again after several months)

                                                   Utterly (Looking at this again after even more months)

From: Joe Lavin [mailto:calicodog@gmail.com]
Sent: Friday, November 02, 2007 8:14 AM
To: Friends
Subject: RE: Prayer time TONITE at 9PM

Surprisingly enough, there continues to be a generous overflow of blessings that make all of this bearable…even desirable at moments. One of these moments is when I feel the love and concern of true friends pour down on me and my family. It lifts me up and comforts me at the same time that it brings me to my knees and to tears.

I find my own personal strength that I use to be able to rely on dwindling each day, but I also find a new comfort in experiencing the security that exudes from a community of people that come together often to lift us up. To say thank you is woefully insufficient and probably just as much so not necessary…but thank you all so much for being in our lives, loving us and for providing me with the security of knowing that the most important needs in my life are already met.   

I will send you all an email when I get back from Seattle. I am feeling at peace with the things I need to do today and do not expect there to be any unforeseen problems.

Thank you again,

Joe

Loren,

It has almost been a year since you left us, and yet you feel so close. I have been thinking about you a lot lately. I can't stop wishing you were here. I wish you were here for my dad, and for my family. I wish you were still here so we could be here for you.

I am terribly sad to think of the pain you were in. Every time I think if you or a memory of you, I try to hold on to it so tight in hopes I might actually go back to that moment.

Thank you for the memories, the happiness, the laughter and the love you graciously gave to me and my family. We all love you. I love you. I miss you.

Janelle Lavin, Seattle, WA

Back to Top

From: Joe Lavin [mailto:calicodog@gmail.com]
Sent: Friday, February 08, 2008 12:18 AM
To: Craig, David, Dennis, Eric, Greg, Jay, Jon, Kevin, Kevin, Shane, Tim, Bob, Ron, Phil, Jon, Matt, Joe, Matthew, Dave, Brett
Subject: The Life and Times of a Confused Christian :-)

Hi guys,

It seems that things have taken a tragic turn for the worse in my dealings with the government and I want to share the details with you in this e-mail. However, I am really not wanting to have many conversations about it all right now because I am incredibly overwhelmed and talking about it just seems to overwhelm even more. In addition, I appreciate all of you guys so much, and I know that you are going to want to come alongside me here, but I also feel like I need to seek for comfort and strength in God right now and not as much in other people…so I just need some time to be alone with God and get a sense of how all sufficient he really is for me. I’m not totally sure about this, but I do have a strong sense that I need to meditate on God’s Word, my sin and what God wants to accomplish in me through all of this. So please give me a couple of days and I will emerge for my cave J!

Also, I’m not sharing all of this with Wendy right now because I do not want to give her anything else to handle right now. So if you share any of this with your wives, etc. please make sure they understand that Wendy does not have all of this information yet. She is going home to Pennsylvania from the 14^th to the 20^th and I will talk to her about this when she gets back.

Today the person that is preparing my pre-sentencing report for the judge came to my house along with a federal probation officer (both wearing bulletproof vests Hmmmm.....) and informed me that I had been classified as a maximum level 39 offender, instead of a maximum level 33 offender that I believed I had ultimately plead to. The main difference being that the sentencing guidelines for a level 33 offender are between 8 and 10 years,  with the understanding that I will be working backwards from ½ of the low range. Whereas the sentencing guidelines for a level 39 offender start at 20 years, so I would effectively be looking at a recommended reduced sentence of 7 to 10 years. I was also told that if I get that long of a sentence I would not qualify for a low-level security camp ( which I was promised) and I would also most likely not be allowed to self-surrender myself to the correctional institution (which again I was promised) and that I should come to court on the 21^st of March ready to be taken into custody immediately.

So my path here is that I originally believe that I was looking at a range of 6 months to 12 months when I agreed to cooperate with the government, that turned into me having to accept that I was more likely looking at 12 to 24 months when I ultimately signed my plea agreement. As most of you know, turning back at that time seemed highly self-destructive. However, now it appears that the government had something completely different in mind from the beginning; if I had ever believed that they would be looking for such a long period of incarceration, I can’t imagine making any other choice but to refuse to enter a plea and fight whatever charges the government ultimately brought.

So here I am, completely overwhelmed. I’m pretty confused about how to respond to and handle the situation. The realization that anxiety is a sin (or in softer terms, at least does not glorify God) and that God is in control of the situation is crystal clear to me. What is not as clear is what that means in my life right now; how my will and my desires are going to line up with God’s. I want to bring glory to God through all of this, but I’m not sure that my responses to all of this will ultimately do that. Especially my internal responses. It is easy to think and say the right things when I’m in community with people who love me and love God, and might even be easier with people who don’t know or understand God yet. But I have to honestly admit that it is getting more and more difficult to think and want to do the right things during the low times, when I’m alone with my thoughts and God. Panic, fear, denial, anger, sorrow, guilt, etc. are strange bedfellows for the steadfast man of God that I want to be; and probably arrogantly felt that I was not too long ago.

I’m not looking for easy answers here and I really want to initially refrain from getting a lot of sympathy and/or comfort from the people that I know love me and want to give me just that.  I need to be alone in my skin, or better yet my spirit, for while to see what God might have for me here. So please do me a favor, and keep it light for a couple of days. If we talk, try and be as superficial as possible J so I can focus all of my emotions and my energy and my needs on God; so I can see what that’s like for once.

I appreciate, love and respect each of you that I’m sending this e-mail to.

Thank you for being in my life,

Joe

March 20 - Disconnected
One of the things that overwhelms me the most today is my seemingly complete disconnection with Jesus. I am suffering a little on this day before Good Friday, whereas Jesus suffered immensely. I am primarily concerned with myself and my family, whereas Jesus was concerned with others. I am growing increasingly angry with my persecutors, whereas Jesus was showing how much he truly loved his. I am responsible for bringing much of this on myself, whereas Jesus was truly innocent.  I am desperately trying to find a way to defend myself at my hearing, whereas Jesus sought only to glorify God.

Saturday March 21, 2008

54 months……wow.

Behind me is a wake of destruction a mile wide and a thousand miles long….

Somehow there was a calm after the morning was over and the news began to sink in to my bones. Maybe it was just shock and numbness.

I took Maddy to her grade school and we played on the playground for a while. I started to get overcome with an intense rage as I watched her playing and started to imagine her not having a daddy around to play with, to guide her and hold her.

Got in the car and Praise You in the Storm Was on the radio

Saturday, March 22, 2008

It is the morning after my sentencing and I am awash with conflicting emotions over what has happened and what is coming next.  Even more so, I am filled with anxieties over what to do next. Should I appeal, fight back, expose the truth* or rest in the lies and trust God to work them for my good….As quickly as I settle on a course of action I find a reason to abandon it.

In the midst of these vagaries a wonderful friend of mine, Robert Park, forwarded me a devotional that gave me a lot to think about.

God's Timing

"And when forty years were expired, there appeared to him in the wilderness of Mount Sinai an angel of the Lord in a flame of fire in a bush…saying…I have seen the affliction of my people which is in Egypt, and I have heard their groaning, and am come down to deliver them. And now come, I will send thee into Egypt" (Acts 7:30, 32, 34).

That was a long wait in preparation for a great mission. When God delays, He is not inactive. He is getting ready His instruments, He is ripening our powers; and at the appointed moment we shall arise equal to our task. Even Jesus of Nazareth was thirty years in privacy, growing in wisdom before He began His work.

God is never in a hurry but spends years with those He expects to greatly use. He never thinks the days of preparation too long or too dull.

The hardest ingredient in suffering is often time. A short, sharp pang is easily borne, but when a sorrow drags its weary way through long, monotonous years, and day after day returns with the same dull routine of hopeless agony, the heart loses its strength, and without the grace of God, is sure to sink into the very sullenness of despair. Joseph's was a long trial, and God often has to burn His lessons into the depths of our being by the fires of protracted pain. "He shall sit as a refiner and purifier of silver," but He knows how long, and like a true goldsmith He stops the fires the moment He sees His image in the glowing metal. We may not see now the outcome of the beautiful plan which God is hiding in the shadow of His hand; it yet may be long concealed; but faith may be sure that He is sitting on the throne, calmly waiting the hour when, with adoring rapture, we shall say, "All things have worked together for good." Like Joseph, let us be more careful to learn all the lessons in the school of sorrow than we are anxious for the hour of deliverance. There is a "need-be" for every lesson, and when we are ready, our deliverance will surely come, and we shall find that we could not have stood in our place of higher service without the very things that were taught us in the ordeal. God is educating us for the future, for higher service and nobler blessings; and if we have the qualities that fit us for a throne, nothing can keep us from it when God's time has come. Don't steal tomorrow out of God's hands. Give God time to speak to you and reveal His will. He is never too late; learn to wait.

Is there specific purpose in this path for me? Is God pursuing me, loving me, leading me on the journey that could answer the mysteries in my heart? Is he pursuing my wife, my children, my mother or someone else who is or may get caught up in this flood?

Is this in fact an answer to prayer or am I so fatigued that I am searching for reasons to just give up? I honestly do not know right now…and I feel that if I could just know, for sure, the path was designed for my good, for God’s glory that it would be so much easier to take. Which leads me to believe that I am not going to know for sure, until I actually take the path….or refuse to take it once again.

*Of course I mean the truths that serve me, not all of the truths, I remain thankful  for all of the truths that remain concealed and covered by God’s grace.

Trouble is a Messenger

"My Father is the husbandman" (John 15:1).

It is comforting to think of trouble, in whatever form it may come to, us, as a heavenly messenger, bringing us something from God. In its earthly aspect it may seem hurtful, even destructive; but in its spiritual out-working it yields blessing. Many of the richest blessings which have come down to us from the past are the fruit of sorrow or pain. We should never forget that redemption, the world's greatest blessing, is the fruit of the world's greatest sorrow. In every time of sharp pruning, when the knife is deep and the pain is sore, it is an unspeakable comfort to read, "My Father is the husbandman."

Doctor Vincent tells of being in a great hothouse where luscious clusters of grapes were hanging on every side. The owner said, "When my new gardener came, he said he would have nothing to do with these vines unless he could cut them clean down to the stalk; and he did, and we had no grapes for two years, but this is the result."

There is rich suggestiveness in this interpretation of the pruning process, as we apply it to the Christian life. Pruning seems to be destroying the vine, the gardener appears to be cutting it all away; but he looks on into the future and knows that the final outcome will be the enrichment of its life and greater abundance of fruit.

There are blessings we can never have unless we are ready to pay the price of pain. There is no way to reach them save through suffering. --Dr. Miller.

"I walked a mile with Pleasure,
She chattered all the way;
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.

"I walked a mile with Sorrow,
And ne'er a word said she;
But, oh, the things I learned from her
When sorrow walked with me."  

Bold, Passionate Follower of Jesus!

I believe there is a bold Christian with unbridled passion for Christ and the Gospel sleeping (cowering?) somewhere deep in my soul, or being.  I want to say that he is sleeping or that he is looking for the strength/resolve to show himself….. but the more honest thought is that I am too attached to my sins, too in love with “myself”, too addicted to this world:  so much so that I do everything I can to ignore the good seeds that God has planted in my soul, even in my flesh (theology??). I have wondered for years how I would ever become this bold, passionate follower of Christ…..